Parents’ heartrending testimonials and recommendations on drug addict siblings

Hebrew 3:12-13 Take care, brothers, that none of you may have an evil and unfaithful heart, so as to forsake the living God. Encourage yourselves daily while it is still "today," so that none of you may grow hardened by the deceit of sin. 

No matter how extreme is a parents’ encounter with a family member who’s into the malady of drugs, everything turns to be lighter when hearing different testimonies coming from parents who surmounted the struggle.  These testimonies enumerated below may serve as a caution and a piece of counsel to anyone who’s enduring the same predicament:

Parent’s Testimonial for Individuals Hooked on Drugs
Emily’s daughter is 16. One day she found her phone lying around and decided to take a quick look through her recent pictures to find her and her friends going out and getting drunk. There were videos of them hanging out in a park taking shots, stripping and dancing around the equipment. Her 14 year old did tell her, she smelled like alcohol, but she trusted her and said it was probably nothing. She also found pictures of weed and marijuana on her phone and a video of her smoking some. She’s clueless what to do, with her husband who is 7000 miles away.
Experiential Transformation	Psychotherapist’s Recommendation
Jack’s older brother is still using heroin after years and years. Jack himself also uses marijuana occasionally and grew up in school where he had problems with prescription pain pills and experimented with some serious drugs. During this time their home was a very unpleasant place for the family and guest because of Jack and his older brother. Jack’s best friend overdosed a little bit after he stopped messing around with drugs because he got a serious job as a ski and snowboard instructor and had to move away which hit him hard. Jack does not take pills anymore and his life has made a major transformation. He is in college now and life is good. What helped him get out of abusing drugs was when his mom started pushing him towards working at that resort because she knew even while he was using drugs he was going up to the mountains to go ski because of his passion towards it. He says people using drugs are most likely depressed even though it may not seem like it and recommended to encourage children to be naturally happy, instead of directly trying to treat the addiction. It could work much faster and they might be grateful for it later.	The first thing to think about is how to have a conversation with the daughter about this when both are calm. She is trying alcohol and marijuana for a reason - maybe because she is inquisitive or desiring to blend in with the other girls who were dancing. Most 16-year-olds are going to tell their parents that “everyone does it and it’s not a major concern,” but the alarming is the unpleasant effects of substance use on the developing brain and the concerns on engaging in dangerous behaviors while under the influence. Open conversation with a teen is significant.  Identifying the reason why she is using and helping her make better choices around substance use, including underpinning behaviors that one wants to encourage and finding ways to engage her in activities that compete with drug use are relevant.

Parent’s Confession

Laura’s 19-year-old son has been an addict for 4 years, which started with marijuana for the first 2 years and worsened to prescription pain pills, benzos to I.V. heroin use. He went to rehab, last got out, talked a good game and went back with his addict girlfriend and a week later he had odd on benzos. He went back to jail for 45 days over the relapse. When he was released he did fairly well but the marijuana smoking started up again. Now he has horrible OCD and anxiety so she realized the pot helps but here they are now 5 months later and he is back to the benzos and occasionally pain pills. She finds it very hard because she honestly did not see it coming this time. Her son was doing so good who was occasionally smoking pot but he was working full time, going to all his drug counseling appointments and being very responsible and normal for once. After a month of believing that finally her son got it living a normal, legal, drug-free for the most part of his life - boom - this week started with a bunch of craziness. She suspected that her son was using benzos again because he was talking crazy, acting crazy, over-emotional and out of control. She’s back on settling the same issue. She doesn’t know what to do anymore. She lived her past 3 years of her life sick and not sleeping, trying to fix every problem that her son gets himself into but just cannot do it anymore. When she tells him that she can’t deal with this behavior, he responds, “Well, I won’t be around anymore to disappoint you, Mom, I am just gonna end it all.” She feels at loss and horrible; she does everything she can to help but aware that she’s really not helping but just enabling. She loves her son who is everything to her but her everything has turned into his addiction that seems to never stay in recovery. She understands that only he can save himself and he has to choose to do it for him, but in the meantime she can no longer be an active part of his addiction. She loves him and will always be there for him but struggling on how to explain that to him, that she is only here for him not the addiction anymore.

Psychotherapist’s Recommendation

She affirms the amazing love and support that Laura exerted for her son over the years in dealing with a chronic illness. Benzos are very powerful and often when someone attempts to stop, they have rebound anxiety which is worse than before they started. Also, it’s likely that his marijuana use led him back down the slippery slope given the changes in his brain. With the influence which is still present over her son, she can use it to encourage and reward behaviors she desires to see more of, while withdrawing her support if he is engaging in behaviors she wants to discourage or do away with. Setting boundaries with the later is very important. Likewise, the parent specialists can help to do this effectively.

Step Mom’s Testimony	Recommendation from significant other
Cherie is a step-mother of an abuser who until recently has lived away from their community and has progressively gotten himself into more and more trouble. He recently came back and expected to move right into their home where she lives with his father and her daughter. He is in trouble with the law, and has a probation officer that he walked away from and people after him for money he owes and belongings he has stolen from them. This is a road that they have travelled before with his older brother, and him. She does not want him living in their home until he has committed to getting help for his addiction and completes a program when he has started one. He went into rehab and after 5 days told his father that the doctor said he was good and could leave and do an at home program. His father hadn’t communicated with anyone in the house that he was expecting him to move in, so when he told her she was surprised and still adamant about not letting him move in, which caused extreme tension, once again, and an argument. Upon calling the rehab clinic, his father found out that his son had checked himself out of the clinic and had lied to him. The next communication was, his dad telling her that he talked to the doctor and that he said he had been off methadone for 2 days and was doing good so could leave. There have been so many lies from both of them causing her distrust. And she finds it being unreasonable in wanting to protect her daughter, home and herself. She is aware that her stepson is going to need support to overcome this, but she will not put everyone/everything else at risk until he has committed to recovering. This may be too much for his dad and her relationship to handle and struggling how to cope with it.		It is understandable how difficult things are for Cherie wanting to set boundaries in her home and the conflicts that they have created. She has every right to protect herself and her daughter. It sounds like her step son is trying to engage in recovery on some level and the question is how to support his efforts while feeling secured in her own home. Some parents choose to support a halfway house coupled with an outpatient program or a room off with some kind of therapy for a limited period of time - until the son can get a job and stand on his own. Others decide that living with another relative or a friend for a period of time is a better choice; with or without limited financial support. Brainstorming of options matters to come up with a solution that will address everyone’s needs – maybe not perfectly and that’s okay. It may help Cherie’s husband to talk to a therapist or a clergy member — someone she trusts, to help think through her options and to make sure that both of their voices are heard. So as to understand what her husband is enduring, it may help to think about what she would do if this same situation involved her daughter. It might help also to employ approach to help a loved one engage in healthier behaviors and to engage in treatment using a set of communication skills and behavioral strategies, a self care component so that family members don’t feel so spent trying to help him. The psychotherapist suggests to get a copy of Beyond Addiction by Dr. Jeffrey Foote to learn more about this approach, aside from considering of going to a support group which is also helpful.

Testimonies

Veronica has a 20 year old son who has been addicted to pot for about 4 years. He was a highly anxious, OCD kind of person in his whole life. Now, he’s been kicked out of college twice for some violent, angry actions. He’s living at home and threatens her life every day. He has no positive communications with her anymore. Marijuana has not mellowed him at all. He consumes it in plenty of different ways. He refuses any kind of psychiatric treatment. He almost seems like an untamed animal now. Veronica was looking at interventionists, calling 911 (which she did several times before) and as a last resort, kicking him to the streets. She just can’t live with him anymore, who ruined her life and his. At this point, she does not really care about him, thinking that her son is not aware that if one abuses someone enough, they’ll begin to despise the abuser.

Eileen is facing the same problem with what Veronica is suffering with her 20-year old son. Her daughter is almost 23 and has several mental health diagnoses and addicted to pot too. To draw the line in the sand with her behavior and all that, she kicked her out because and is now living on the streets with a strange man whom she claims is her protector. Currently she’s working on a plan. She is angry that pot is surrounded by smoke and mirrors with so much confusion in the media and pro-pot activists claiming that pot is safe and all the b.s. with medical marijuana as a cover for abuse too.

Ruth has a 17 year old son who is addicted to dabs which are a concentrated form of marijuana. She heard from different people that one does get addicted to pot, but it is his son’s life. His son stolen her bank cards, money, dealt drugs out of their home. Finally, he was arrested and sent to rehab, only to come out and relapse. At one point, he wrecked their car, lost his driver’s license, and lost his job. Currently, he is on an electronic monitor and can’t leave the house. She’s counting the days until he is 18. She is in agreement with her husband to tough love, and will not live like this anymore. His is violent and subject to disrespectful outbursts especially when he is high. It is almost like he has an inconsistent reaction to pot. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety, substance abuse disorder, and conduct disorder. She is scared for their 12 year old who is being subject to all this.

Janelle has a 25 year old stepson who is addicted to prescription pills and marijuana. He is also dealing both. He has a traumatic history and she can see how he got to where he is today. Having said this, she is aware that she must be insignificant because of impatience or sympathy for him. His son says he likes the rush he gets dealing, he doesn’t want to change. Then he will say he wants to change. He says he sees a counselor and a psychiatrist. He is on lithium for bipolar disorder. He doesn’t work, can’t show up on time for anything, sleeps a lot, and meet his “clients” anywhere at any time (leaving in the middle of family functions and dinners to meet them). He lived with them for a few months and his clients came to their house. They kicked him out when discovering his marijuana stash in the basement. She feels like a jerk because if it weren’t for her husband she would have nothing to do with this idiot kid, as she “calls him.” She feels unsafe around him, does not trust him and don’t think she ever will. For her husband’s sake, she puts up with him on occasion. She does not want him to get better and move on with his life, but it is obvious that her stepson doesn’t want to change. He won’t go to detoxification or inpatient rehab. He says he wants to become an addictions counselor. She knows there is no danger of him doing that until he is all cleaned up and can attend college. However, he “counsels” his “clients” by his own admission. He has also recently moved in with his brother who has two small children so she is worried about the kids. Talking to her other stepson (the kid’s father) is not an option as he won’t even speak to her. Being clueless in dealing with all of this, she feels like trapped, worried, hurt, sad, and guilty for feeling the way she does towards her stepsons. She loves her husband and tries to just be supportive of him. She does not know what else to do.

Psychotherapist’s Recommendation

Conflicted emotions about stepson/sons addiction are explicable. Having trauma, bipolar disorder and a substance use disorder is a huge challenge from a security perspective. It is encouraging that one thinks he wants to help others and may consider college at some point. It is agreeable that blending or leaving the small children with anyone who has access to drugs is considered child endangerment. Child protective services can get involved to help loved ones engage in healthier behaviors and in treatment using an array of communication skills and behavioral strategies, a self care component so that family members don’t feel so spent trying to help him, and a support group can also be support group can also be significant.

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